Wednesday, April 27, 2011

A Pillow Soaked with Tears.

I lay hear in bed the clock flashing 2:34 a.m. and my is mind racing. The tears are flowing down my face, along my hair line soaking my pillow. I am alone, B is in Sisters, working. Why the tears?! Cystic Fibrosis.

I have boarded the crazy train, my boarding pass has me seated in 'temporary' and I am not hoping to be upgraded. I want off. I want a refund. I will walk whatever distance. Please God please!

I am afraid. I am lonely. I am starving. I am suffocating. I hate it with every fiber of my being. I hate all it has robbed from me. I hate it for what it will rob me of. I hate that I am crying over it. Hate is NOT a strong enough word.

I want to be free of this g-tube and tubing connecting me to the feeding machine for the next 5 hours of a 10 hour cycle. I want to roll over in bed without having to untangle myself.

I want a cure. Yesterday. Until then my pillow will help dry away my tears.


Tuesday, April 5, 2011

An Amazing Friend

This is shout out to my friend, Gregor. Who is this person you ask? Why haven't I given notice to her/him? Well, you know its one of those too long too complicated to write out in a post things. The short version, however, is that she is amazing.

The friendship began during our awkward pre-pubescent years when it was only 'cool' to hang with a particular group/person. We were unlikely friends by most standards. She was an athletic, smart, clarinet playing weird-o, while I was an outrageously spontaneous rebellious 11-year old who disguised her smarts. We were in the same "home room" and were forced to into a friendship. Our friends were friends...Yuck! As the school year (1991-1992) progressed we sort of grew on each other. I liked her beautifully natural blonde hair, athletic build (which I would later hate her for), easy demeanor, and copy her homework.

The years of Junior High sort of flew by with the normal girl spats. One day hating each other the next vowing to NEVER talk to her again and other happenings like band concerts, school dances, sleep-overs (we practically lived together depending on who's parents let us), soccer games (which Gregor introduced me to) and more girly relationship building activities like note writing, talking about cute boys, etc. She became my life-source thru the school years. I am sure most of you remember or are parenting children thru these difficult years. There are alot of unhappy memories that come with growing up; bulling, name calling, outcasting, etc. Well, folks I was not immune to the harshness of other peers unkind words, thoughts, actions or their uneducated parents.

Ms. Gregor was by my side, for better or worse. Not really sure why, but she was and is. She spend nights and days in the hospital with me, even traveling to OHSU from Bend to be with me. She brought me homework, or just did it for me...shhhh.... She communicated with my teachers to help them better understand why I was out of class. She encouraged me to play soccer, she made me feel beautiful when the medications bloated my face just in time for school pictures (we laugh now at my chimp-munch cheeks), she stood up to my persecutors and slapped them in the face, literally and figuratively.

As the years rolled on, we sort of drifted apart during high school. We of course were still friends, but my rebellious side was in full gear and I ended up dating the boys who were in constant trouble with the law and unfortunately most of them still are to this day. I eventually stopped going to school all to together, I thought school was eating away at the possibility of having real-life experiences and on my short life span I needed to fulfill those experiences and not worry about education, I didn't think I would live long enough to use my educated mind. Until graduation started to creep up on me. I wanted to walk with Gregor, but because I wasn't around in class she had chosen someone else. I was heart-broken. It made me question why I wanted to graduate. Once I made up my mind I worked with a tutor to help me get thru senior year (unearthing my smarts making up a year in just 2 months!). I eventually made up time and was able to walk with my class, I walked behind Gregor, which in my mind was appropriate, she earned the lead.

As we both have grown into adulthood we have remained friends. Thru long distance, marriage, loosing a parent, cancer in a parent,  many other life-changing experiences and my ongoing medical issues, she has chosen to remain in my life. I have to be honest, at times, I can be hard to love. I can be opinionated, argumentative, depressed, difficult, hard-headed, hateful and down right negative. There are times when we go months without speaking or writing but when we connect its as though it was yesterday. We pick where we left off, knowing that life is messy.

She never feels sorry for me (at least doesn't show it) but encourages me to pick-up and continue on. She has been a shoulder of comfort and an ear that listens. She has spoken words of reason when mine were about to board/or had boarded the crazy-train. We have buried parents together; both under the worst of circumstances. We have laughed so hard that we cried. We have protected each other from life's unkindness. We have loved each other thru life's seasons of change. We are friends.

She is amazing. There will never be another.